


— at Claire’s

by omnislacrima



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Aranea is here for the Culture TM, Everyone busts Ignis' balls, Everyone is Bisexual, Gladio gets his dick pierced, That's it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-12-27 03:28:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18295925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omnislacrima/pseuds/omnislacrima
Summary: Noctis finally joined in and leaned up close to poke his head between Ignis and Gladio. “I looked it up and lots of guys have said that it changed their sex life dramatically.”Gladio laughed with his whole chest and slapped a hand on Ignis’ shoulder. “See? You’ll forget all about your pity toward my penis when you hear the rave reviews.”Ignis raised an eyebrow at this. “Hear them?”“Of course, since my lovers will be screaming so loud in appreciation, you’ll hear it from your apartment.”





	1. Shields Were Not Meant To Be Pierced

**Author's Note:**

> @tidalwavings:  
> getting my dick pierced — at claire’s  
> |  
> |  
> @bioodiusting:  
> gladio 
> 
> AKA a headcanon taken way too far

“You must be joking,” Ignis huffed with a look of sheer shock on his face. “That might be the very last reason I could ever think of as the purpose of this trip to the mall.” He gripped the steering wheel with both hands and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

Gladio laughed at Ignis’ obvious discomfort, “I called to check and the sweet little thing said it’s possible.”

Ignis pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, “Possible doesn’t mean necessary.”

“Necessary Schmecessary. You’ll wish you had done the same when I get back to you about how much better my dick game is after this.” Gladio looked down at his crotch and back up to Ignis then finished the gesture with a wink. 

Ignis eyed the larger man for a moment and rolled his eyes. “I can assure you that no matter what, I will not envy you. I assume I’m the last person you’ve told about this since I’m sure my reaction was predictable.”

Prompto finally pipes up, “Haha, yeah… Sorry, Iggy.”

“No need for an apology… I’m only sorry for Gladio’s soon-to-be pierced genitals.”

Noctis finally joined in and leaned up close to poke his head between Ignis and Gladio. “I looked it up and lots of guys have said that it changed their sex life dramatically.”

Gladio laughed with his whole chest and slapped a hand on Ignis’ shoulder. “See? You’ll forget all about your pity toward my penis when you hear the rave reviews.”

Ignis raised an eyebrow at this. “Hear them?”

“Of course, since my lovers will be screaming so loud in appreciation, you’ll hear it from your apartment,” Gladio replies smugly. "Not that I've had problems getting to that point before." 

The shit eating grin on Gladio’s face was enough to finally get Ignis to break from the tense look on his face and he flashed a quick smile toward his friend. “I can’t believe the things you say out loud sometimes.”

Gladio rubbed Ignis’ shoulder before retracting his arm. “You love me, Iggy.”

A soft chuckle broke the air of tension surrounding Ignis. “I never implied otherwise.” 

Ignis was interrupted by a fluffy mess of black hair clouding his peripheral vision. “Are you scared?” Noctis asked, clearly concerned for his shield. 

“I’m bound to die for you at any given moment, and you’re worried about me getting a piece of metal shoved through my d-“ Gladio was cut off with a sharp _oof!_ by the car coming to an abrupt stop. 

The sound of Noctis’ head colliding with the leather seats bounced off the walls of the car. “Jeez, Specs, go easy on the brakes next time.” 

Noctis’ remark went unheard by Ignis as he narrowed his eyes at Gladio. “You really mean to liken putting your life on the line protecting Noctis to getting a piercing?” His voice was low and stern. 

Gladio’s attention shifted to the back seat to see Noctis rubbing his head. Raising his thumb to point toward the Prince, Gladio began, “What was that about protecting Noctis? You could’ve given the kid a concussion, you know.”

Ignis tightly shut his eyes and turned around slowly to apologize to the source of the groaning behind him. When they made eye contact, Noctis immediately began to laugh. Ignis cleared his throat, “It’s a little difficult to apologize when you’re laughing at me.”

“You’re too serious for your own good, Specs. Maybe you could use a weird piercing too.” The slight pain was forgotten as Noctis watched Ignis’ face soften at the sound of his laughter, only to harden again at the mention of joining Gladio in getting a piercing. 

Ignis adjusted his glasses. “I’d prefer to keep my body free of anything that might affect my performance in battle or otherwise.”

“Or otherwise...” Prompto repeated in a slightly mocking tone. 

Gladio placed a hand on his belly and laughed again, “Ah, how could I forget that Ignis Scientia needs no help in the bedroom… I’m sorry, I meant battlefield.”

“Enough.” Ignis replied curtly.

Prompto pushed himself forward to take the spot between Ignis and Gladio this time, “Can we go in noooowwww?” 

With a click of the locks, Ignis was the first to open his door, “Yes. Let us get this over with as soon as possible.”


	2. If You Want Something Done Right, Get Ignis To Do It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noctis looked over and quickly picked up on what Gladio was thinking, “This place isn’t really your style. Maybe I could get something made for you like I did with Iggy’s necklace?” Gladio wasn’t expecting him to say something like that, which showed up clearly on his face, making Noctis laugh. “Don’t look at me like that, I was actually just thinking of getting you a dick ring with some Lucian flair.” 
> 
> Gladio let out a breathy laugh, “You scared me for a sec, I was wondering what happened to make you say something so thoughtful. No offense though, Noct, but I’d rather not think of you when I look at my dick.”

As the men walked around the wall, which took longer than it needed to since Noctis and Prompto absolutely needed to poke their heads in every single store that caught their attention, Ignis found himself needing many answers for the abundance of questions that popped in his head. “How much research did you really do on this? I genuinely hope you’re not doing this just for-”

“Fun?” Gladio interrupted, “Yeah. I am doing it for fun. You should try it sometime.” 

“I have plenty of fun, _Gladiolus_.” Ignis watched as the taller man cringed at the use of his full name. “I’m just worried about the placement, and I can’t imagine the amount of pain it will inflict on you.”

“Is the giant tattoo or the scar across my face not an obvious sign of my pain threshold? Iggy, please, don’t worry too much. Especially about me.” Gladio’s steps slowed down and he nodded his head toward an impossibly purple storefront. “There it is.” 

Ignis turned and let his eyes adjust before his feet firmly planted themselves where he stood as the blood drained from his face. “That’s Claire’s?” Gladio smiled widely and confirmed. “You can’t be serious. This is a glorified jewelry store for children! I thought we were going to a proper parlor where you’d be handled by a professional!” Ignis lowered his voice and practically spat at Gladio, “You cannot just have your genitals out in the open in a place like this!”

“Okay, one thing at a time, Ig-” Gladio was suddenly interrupted by a small voice from behind him. A pair of teenage girls were trying to get past the men and into the store. 

Ignis’ eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head as he gestured toward the girls and then to the general area of the store with a face that could only mean _What the fuck?!_ He turned around to find out if the other men knew the true nature of this store, but they were no longer behind him. When he looked back into the pastel abyss, a hysterical laugh was almost forcibly pulled from him when he saw Noctis and Prompto browsing the jewelry and looking the furthest thing from belonging that he had ever seen. The contrast between the brights pinks and their all black ensembles was outrageous to say the least. He wasn’t quite ready to face Gladio again, so he removed his glasses to allow himself to press his palm flat over his eyes. “Are you positively daft?” 

“Excuse me?” 

Ignis was trying his hardest to keep his voice calm. “You are one of the most intelligent men I know, but this is downright foolish. You didn’t even pick a professional location.” 

“You know what they say, ‘You gotta risk it to the get the biscuit’.” Gladio was completely unfazed by Ignis’ obvious disapproval. He was the oldest in the group and could do whatever he wanted. Ignis’ was Noctis’ mother-figure, not his. 

“If you say so, Gladiolus.” 

“Not me, _they_.” Gladio now began to whine jokingly, “And please, Iggy, stop using my full name, I’m really getting my feelings hurt over here.”

Ignis was having the worst day ever. “Astrals have mercy.” He started to follow Gladio into the store but instead excused himself momentarily. 

“Make sure you’re back in time to hold my hand! Or my balls.” Gladio winked and turned around before Ignis could react, and continued on to meet the others inside. Noctis and Prompto were looking at rings; he wanted to join them but doubted that the delicate jewelry would fit on his fingers. 

Noctis looked over and quickly picked up on what Gladio was thinking, “This place isn’t really your style. Maybe I could get something made for you like I did with Iggy’s necklace?” Gladio wasn’t expecting him to say something like that, which showed up clearly on his face, making Noctis laugh. “Don’t look at me like that, I was actually just thinking of getting you a dick ring with some Lucian flair.” 

Gladio let out a breathy laugh, “You scared me for a sec, I was wondering what happened to make you say something so thoughtful. No offense though, Noct, but I’d rather not think of you when I look at my dick.” 

Noctis was in the middle of flipping Gladio off when his large body suddenly moved upon hearing his name, no longer blocking Noctis and instead allowing him to boldly give the finger to the unsuspecting Claire’s employee. He quickly put his hand down and hung his head, hiding his face behind his bangs. 

Gladio put a large palm on the top of Noctis’ head and ruffled his hair a little. Noctis hated when he did that but was too embarrassed to resist. “Sorry about that, that royal finger was meant for me.” The employee waved it off as to not antagonize the Prince and lead them to the private room Gladio was told about over the phone. 

Ignis entered the store shortly after, having collected his thoughts and tried his best to ward off the worry he had for his friend. Another employee directed him to the room where the others were waiting. He joined them and met the small statured woman who would be attending to Gladio. When she finished preparing her station, Ignis looked at her with concern. _Piercing Technician_ was written in bold letters on her name tag, but the official title didn’t make him feel any better. 

She asked Gladio if he was ready to remove his pants, to which he obnoxiously winked and purred in response, “I thought you’d never ask.” She blushed a deep red akin to a pomegranate when Gladio became exposed, ripping a laugh from Prompto and Noctis, much to Ignis’ disappointment. “Boys,” he warned. 

“Do we seriously all need to be in here for this?” Noctis managed to get out in between fits of stifled laughter. 

Gladio playfully bit back, “It’s the least you can do for me, Princess.” 

The technician’s eyes went wide, earning a laugh from the disrespected Prince. She started the process by cleaning and disinfecting the area that was to be pierced. Upon closer inspection, she realized there was an issue she had never experienced. As she held the heavy appendage in her hand, she loudly swallowed and looked up to meet Gladio’s eyes. He gave her a look that said _Don’t worry, let’s get this over with_. Instead, she cleared her throat and began, “I… I don’t think I can do this.” 

Ignis’ brows furrowed. He was about to ask what she meant, but noticed the same thing she did. Gladio was about to ask what was wrong, but Ignis spoke first. “I believe she means that she’s ill-equipped to handle your _equipment_ with the tools she has.” 

The problem went over Gladio’s head as he focused on the wrong part of Ignis’ statement, “Equipment? I like the sound of that.”

“Wait, hahaha, holy shit, does that mean Gladio’s dick is too big to get the piercing?” Noctis was hunched over from laughing so hard. 

Prompto’s phone was mere inches from his face as he started typing and scrolling frantically. He quickly found the information he was looking for, and it made him shiver, “It’s not that, it says here that he just needs... a longer needle.” 

Ignis sharply spat out Professional under his breath before addressing Gladio, “It is clear as day that this establishment is nowhere near professional. I’ll take care of this at home.” Time seemed the stand still as everyone’s attention shifted solely to Ignis. 

Noctis tilted his head, unable to believe what he just heard. “Specs… did you just say you’ll take care of it? Like... you’re going to pierce Gladio’s dick?!” Beside him, Prompto began typing on his phone again. 

Ignis gave Gladio an urgent look that translated to _Pull your pants up and let’s get out of here immediately_ and turned on his heel to leave. “I will do the proper research and attend to his ridiculous desire myself.” 

Prompto lifted his gaze from his phone, “Way ahead of you, I’ve got some pages bookmarked and I just ordered exactly what you’ll need.” He now had 4 curious looks pointed to him. “I put them on Noct’s credit card…” 

Noctis lightly smacked the back of Prompto’s shoulder, “Shit, man, what if someone notices the weird charges and brings it up to my dad or something? What was the website called?”

Prompto began nervously kicking his leg into the empty space in front of him, “FillYourHoles.com” 

Noctis blinked, “Fantastic. I hope you at least sprung for express shipping.”

Ignis’ patience was beginning to wear impossibly thin, “We will deal with that later. Are we all just about finished here?” 

In unison, three voices chimed in, “Yes, sir.”


	3. The Piercing Tactician

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As if he was summoned by his title being spoken aloud, Gladio walked into the apartment. He scanned the room before his eyes landed on his boys. He sauntered over to them, excitement blooming on his face, “What’s all this? For me?” 
> 
> Noctis lifted a hand onto Gladio’s shoulder, “It’s a coming out party. For your dick.”

During the week it took for the equipment to arrive, Ignis used his time wisely to research everything under the sun involving the procedure. Gladio sounded confident in himself regarding the amount of pain, but the healing process? It was exceptionally more complicated than that of a tattoo. He knew he’d be the one who’d have to be on top of Gladio constantly to make sure he was taking proper care, keeping everything clean and ensuring that the chances for infection were slim to none.

Ignis never had a desire to get a piercing, but he did have fond memories from his childhood and himself and Noctis playing with clip on earrings – gifts from Lunafreya. He _could_ see himself with a dainty hoop or a stud, but not any time soon. Maybe in his next life.

Ignis recalled a short rebellious phase Noctis went through in high school. He had walked into Noctis’ apartment to hear squealing coming from the bathroom. He immediately dropped his things and ran to the source of the noise, not even bothering to take his shoes off. He was met with a sight that was indescribable to say the least. Noctis was straddling Prompto’s shorter body, pressing one side of his head against the toilet seat, and holding a safety pin against the exposed, soft flesh of his earlobe. Prompto’s eyes were wide and puffy, showing clear as day that he had been crying. “Noct… Is this any way to treat your friend?”

Noctis sighed and put the safety pin down, “First of all, I haven’t even been able to break the skin yet because he keeps chickening out at the last second.” He used his other hand to lift Prompto’s head off the seat and wipe a stray tear from his eye. “Second, it was his idea!”

Prompto sniffled and wrapped his hand around Noctis’ wrist, “I trust him, but I’m still scared!”

Ignis smoothed his vest and walked over to the young men. He pulled his pants up from his thighs and kneeled down beside them. “Why are you scared?” he spoke in a gentle tone to hide his complete disapproval of what they were doing.  

Prompto picked up the safety pin and held it between his and Ignis’ face, “When I look at the pin, I think that this can’t possibly hurt, but when Noct pushes it against my ear, I seize up and I just can’t go through with it!”

Noctis takes the safety pin back and begins to stand up, “I keep telling him that he doesn’t have to do it, but he kept insisting. Now I’m officially giving up on this. I was supposed to do him first, and then he’d do mine for me.” He ignored the glare directed at him from his Advisor in favour of giving Prompto a warm look to say that he’s not upset.

Prompto looked like a weight had been lifted off of him, a different one from that of Noctis’ physical weight having been sat on top of him. This made Ignis look at the blond quizzically, “Why did you want to do this?” Prompto’s big violet eyes catch Ignis’ attention, _had they always been that colour?_  

“It was just something I wanted to do for myself. I don’t know… I just thought it would look good. Noct said he’d be willing to do it with me so we’d match, too!” Prompto was finally smiling again, a sight that Ignis was much more accustomed to.

Ignis gave Prompto a small smile, “I’m sure that it would look very nice, but there’s no rush. You can do this when you’re ready. Preferably in a more sterile and safe environment. I’m the one who cleans up after His Highness, and I can assure you that you don’t want any open wounds in here.”

“Hey!” Noctis threw the safety pin at Ignis, which he caught without even looking. “Show off.”

Ignis got up and extended a hand to Prompto, lifting him up off the floor with ease. “Now that we’re done with that, how about I get started on dinner?”

Prompto glows, “Mmm! Yes, thank you!”

 

–––––

 

Noctis was on his way home from lunch with Prompto when he passed by a group of Glaives in the small alcove he passes before the section of the garden he likes to relax in sometimes. Sometimes being now, since he had a major food baby he needed to sleep off, and nothing beat sleeping on soft grass, surrounded by the smell of freshly bloomed flowers. He was just going to walk by without paying them any mind until he heard the name of his Shield.

Head down and cheeks red, the shorter Glaive went on, “Gladiolus is beyond human. I’m sure he’s been chosen to train with us to help but I just go home twice as sore and four times as insecure about my fighting ability. I’m so intimidated sometimes, I just lose my ability to move fluidly. I look like a gods damn cactuar, swinging around stiff limbs like an idiot.”

The other Glaive laughed and gave a reassuring shoulder squeeze, “I know it feels that way, but it’s only been two weeks and we’ve all gotten a lot better since he began helping. Remember what we’re doing this for.

Noctis knew he shouldn’t, but he interrupted them anyway, “To protect the King.”

In unison, the Glaives saluted, “Prince Noctis!” They were obviously startled by the sudden presence of the Prince, and even more so because he just overheard them talking about his Shield.

“Please, just Noct is fine. But I think I have a solution to your intimidation problem, and hopefully the cactuar problem as well…” The Cactuar Glaive blushed deeply and tried to cough out their discomfort. “As I was saying, I can only guess that it’ll be hard to be intimidated by someone once you watch them get a needle shoved through their dick.” The Glaives wore matching expressions that meant _Excuse me? Did you just say Gladiolus Amicitia’s dick?_ Noctis read their faces to mean that they’re interested in his proposal, so he gave them the time and location and told them to try and keep it under wraps. He winked and walked away. He knew they’d tell their other Glaive friends and save him the trouble of inviting more himself. Noctis was lucky that it was those two that he had caught, though, because according to the descriptions he remembered from his post-training chats with Gladio, he’d expressed interest in them. Noctis could now check one item off his list of things he had to do this week.

 

–––––

 

Ignis arrived at Noctis’ apartment and was met with a much different atmosphere than he was expecting. Red cups, bowls of chips, and an abundance of alcohol covered not only the dining table, but also the coffee table which Ignis had been hoping to use as a makeshift workstation. Not only that, but the presence of familiar black uniforms took him aback. _Glaives? That can’t be right._ He set his things down on an empty space on the kitchen counter and searched the room for a specific head of spiky hair, frowning when he couldn’t immediately spot it. He called out for Noctis but was met with no response. The Glaive that was standing closest to him informed Ignis that His Highness went out on an errand with Prompto and would likely be back soon. _What on Eos is going on here?_

Accurate to his intel, Noctis and Prompto returned to the apartment followed by more Glaives, all of them holding an absurd amount of food containers. Ignis wasted no time demanding answers from Noctis, “What’s the meaning of all this?”

Noctis directed the Glaives toward the kitchen before turning his attention to the human form of a pot about the boil over, “Isn’t it obvious? We’re having a party.”

Ignis found himself in a state between appalled and unsurprised. “I highly doubt that Gladio would want an audience for this.”

Prompto spoke gently as to not incur Ignis’ wrath, “It was kind of his idea…”

“Kind of?” Ignis was careful not to raise his voice.

“He went on about how he couldn’t wait to show some lucky person a _whole new world_ but didn’t want to be that guy who goes around telling anyone who’ll listen that he has his dick pierced. So we figured that if we have people here to witness it, they’ll spread the word for him.” Ignis was silent for a moment before asking if more people would be joining them. Noctis checked his phone before answering, much to Ignis’ displeasure, “We invited some people we went to high school with and a few _friends of the crown_.”

Ignis looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath, “So not only did you pull a ludicrous amount of Glaives from their very important jobs, mind you, but you also invited hucksters who will undoubtedly create a stir on social media with posts about His Highness’ Shield getting a scandalous procedure done.”

As if he was summoned by his title being spoken aloud, Gladio walked into the apartment. He scanned the room before his eyes landed on his boys. He sauntered over to them, excitement blooming on his face, “What’s all this? For me?”

Noctis lifted a hand onto Gladio’s shoulder, “It’s a coming out party. For your dick.”

Gladio’s smile grew to take up his entire face, “So this is the product of those devious smiles you two shared the last time we talked?” Prompto scratched the back of his head sheepishly and looked up at him through fine blond lashes as Noctis played it much cooler. “I appreciate it.”

Ignis looked at the bottles of alcohol that littered the apartment and got Gladio’s attention, “Please don’t be mistaken, none of _this_ is for you. The alcohol will thin your blood and interfere with the healing process.”

A small look of disappointment flashed across Gladio’s face, “Is that right? I guess the atmosphere and good company are the only things I’ll be getting drunk off tonight.”

 

–––––

 

When everyone arrived and the party was in full swing, Gladio has a small crowd around him of Glaives and citizens alike. If Ignis didn’t know any better, he’d have been surprised at how much Gladio loved the attention. He entered one of the guest rooms where he had stored his equipment earlier. Technically, as per Noctis’ insistence, it was supposed to be his room, but Ignis had never stayed the night. Now he really couldn’t see himself sleeping in this room after what he was about to do to one of his closest friends. He began to lay everything out to be organized and created a sterile area.

When everything was to his liking, he was suddenly pulled out of his focus by a familiar voice coming from outside. He opened the door and poked his head out to see an intricately styled head of silver hair. True to her brand, she was dressed like destruction incarnate. Sharp edges and tight fabric made Ignis think that if beauty hadn’t existed before she was brought into this world, it would’ve began with her. He composed himself before joining everyone else. “Aranea, to what do we owe the pleasure of your presence?”

She turned and Ignis couldn’t help but watch the way the individually tied sections of hair in her updo danced with the movement. “Refusing the invitation from the _Pretty Prince_ was easy until he told me the true nature of this little shindig. I would surrender by bank accounts before I missed this.” She smiled before a look of remembrance flashed across her face, the thought making her laugh, “I told Ravus about it and the face he made… It was glorious, I had to add it to my spank bank!” Noctis choked on his drink which spurred Aranea to laugh even harder, “Princes are so sheltered, I think getting them flustered might be my favourite pastime.”

Noctis’ back was being slapped by Prompto as he began to choke out a protest, “I’m not flustered!”

Aranea fully turned toward him and cupped his chin, her sharp nails grazing the skin of his soft cheeks, “Is that so, pretty boy?” Noctis prayed to the Gods that his face wouldn’t betray him, to no avail. She slipped her arm around Noctis’ shoulder and pulled him close to her, “I can’t get enough of this cuteness sometimes. I’d eat you up if it wouldn’t break Lunafreya’s heart.” Noctis felt like he was going to pass out.

If he had to describe his relationship with Aranea, she was kind of like that mysterious aunt who travels all the time, is loaded, and has no filter. Her visits were few and far between, but he couldn’t say that he didn’t enjoy them immensely.

Ignis suddenly remembered what he was about to do before he was distracted by the crimson dragoon. He excused himself and walked over to Gladio’s audience. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and leaned in to speak lowly in his ear, “I’m ready for you in the guest room.”

It caught Gladio off guard and he cursed his brain for sending a ping down to his lower half at the innuendo mixed with the smooth tone of Ignis’ voice. “Just me?”

Ignis’ gaze lingered on Gladio’s face long enough to make the larger man squirm, “So you were serious about having an audience…” He let out a sharp sigh and began to make his way to the guest room. He waved a hand to gesture that Gladio and the interested guests could follow him.

Gladio bounced out of his seat. “It’s show time!”

Aranea’s head snapped toward Gladio and she immediately stomped her right foot hard onto the floor to get everyone’s attention on her as they started rising from their seats to follow the older members of Noctis’ royal retinue. “If any of you try to deny me a front row seat, I can and _will_ destroy you.” She smiled sweetly at the faces she caught with wide eyes and mouths agape. Much to her pleasure, no one moved and inch except Gladio, who laughed at the fear that Aranea could instill into people so easily. She winked and continued toward Gladio, excitedly ushering him into the guest room.

Prompto’s blush was the same color as the soles of Aranea’s expensive high heels. He grabbed Noctis’ arm and followed her as well. It took a moment for everyone else to process what just happened, but soon there was a small crowd around Ignis and Gladio, with a line trailing out into the hallway. Gladio was no rockstar, but in this moment, he sure felt like one.

Ignis adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat, “You may undress now, I read that you don’t need to remain erect-” He was interrupted by Gladio removing his pants almost immediately, and was surprised to see that he was already half-hard. Ignis willed himself not to stare so he forced his eyes to move back up the muscular body, meeting a warm expression on the taller man’s face.

“Sorry, just excited by nature, I guess.” Gladio was only slightly embarrassed that he still hadn’t calmed down from Ignis speaking to him _like that_ , but what could he really do about it? The man oozes sex appeal without even trying! However, it _did_ help that the onlookers seemed to be pleased with what they saw, so he laid down with his hands behind his head, signalling that he was ready.

Ignis brushed past the brief internal struggle he had with his two heads. He began to block out the whispers and squeals from the completely unnecessary crowd that surrounded them so that he may focus on the task at hand. He did his research, contacted professions – all of whom were not happy that he was going to perform the procedure himself – and built up such an extensive knowledge that he could probably write a book on it. There _was_ a tinge of doubt creeping up his spine, though. Book learning and practical application were two very different things. He forced that doubt out his mind, took a deep breath, and with the grace and confidence of a seasoned professional, he gave his best friend a genital piercing.

 

**2 Months Later**

 

During dinner, Gladio waited until Ignis had excused himself to use the bathroom. He thanked the Astrals above that tonight was finally the night, because this was the fourth dinner they’ve had together in two weeks, – Ignis hadn’t used the bathroom once during the first three – and he was getting restless. He had a plan and there was no getting in the way of it now. He must really be on Bahamut’s good side, because Ignis also left his phone on the table. Gladio wasted no time initiated step two of his plan because Ignis is irritatingly efficient at _everything_ he does.

He quickly made his way into his contact settings, changing his personal ringtone to an audio file of a woman moaning obnoxiously that he had sent just as Ignis was out of earshot of his phone’s ringer. He also changed the urgency level of his calls to the highest setting so that Ignis’ phone will ring loudly when Gladio calls no matter what the overall ringer settings are at. He added a special final touch just for good measure and returned the phone to its original spot just in time to see Ignis on his way back to the table.

 

–––––

 

It was 2am when Ignis was woken up by a strange sound. He suddenly found himself frozen in his bed as he adjusted his ears to the intrusive sound and realized just what it was. _Hearing the rave reviews_ was the only thing he could manage to think. Shaking his head as to force the thought out of his mind, he realized that the source of the noise is his cell phone.

Ignis reached over and fumbled his glasses onto his face frantically, now able to focus on the lit up screen on his night table. He picked up the device and began to experience every human emotion simultaneously.

**BIG DICK AMICITIA calling…**

Between the new ringtone, contact name, and new contact photo – a _very_ clear picture of Gladio’s now healed piercing – Ignis could barely get a handle on it all. He hoarsely answered the call, “Classy.”

“I’m glad you like it, it took weeks of planning. Scientia-level planning.”

Ignis could hear the smile on Gladio’s face. “I _am_ impressed that you managed this, so I can’t bring myself to be too upset, but please know that I am still bothered by it.”

“It wouldn’t be you if you weren’t.”

A soft chuckle danced out of Ignis, “I resent that.”

“I’m just busting your balls, Iggy.”

“But of course, it wouldn’t be you if you weren’t.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in love with Aranea Highwind and I projected it onto Ignis.
> 
> I headcanon almost everyone in this game as bisexual and it shows.
> 
> I had entirely too much fun writing this and I want to thank lizza (@tidalwavings) for the idea and constant support! 
> 
> Surprisingly, this is the first fic I've ever actually finished despite writing tens of thousands of words that I will never publish. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!


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